#felix and tamora are THAT couple for probably a very long time tbh

[sgtcalhouns]

PDA

Felix and Tamora are a little too comfortable expressing their affection in public, leaving Ralph with the uncomfortable task of addressing the issue.

this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now and I thought it might be nice to expand on my random musings for a quick fic. I’ve decided this is going in the mechanic au but honestly I like to believe this is a problem regardless of setting. enjoy!

It was a perfectly pleasant day as Felix and Ralph sat across from one another at an old wooden picnic table at the park. Vanellope had quickly occupied herself with the swing-set, and Tamora would be joining them once she returned from work. Almost nothing could ruin the agreeable atmosphere of their outing. Nothing except for the issue that Ralph had been avoiding for weeks.

“Hey, bud, can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, Ralph. What’s up?”

Ralph steeled himself before responding. This was a conversation he had been putting off for some time now; Felix seemed so happy, and he didn’t want to discourage that. He’d never seen his friend with such a constant smile on his face, and the honeyglow on his cheeks seemed almost permanent at this point. Anyone could tell he was head-over-heels for his new girlfriend—they’d recently made it official, and the couple’s excitement was palpable. They really were sweet together, so Ralph had been hoping the situation would resolve itself. But things had started getting out of hand, and it was becoming increasingly clear that he was unfortunately going to have to say something.

The constant hand-holding and “googly eyes” were a little awkward, but easy enough to ignore. Ralph had gotten into the habit of turning away and occupying himself with some other task when the couple started their sickly sweet talk; it felt invasive to witness, even though they often engaged in it right out in the open. Even the kissing had been bearable at first, before they lost all consideration for the comfort of those around them. Whenever the pair was together, it seemed as though they were encapsulated in a bubble of ardor that made them forget their surroundings.

Ralph could set aside his discomfort to spend time with his friends, but it was getting harder to hide it from Vanellope. Despite his best attempts to usher her away when things got a little too… couple-y, she had begun taking notice of what was happening in front of her. She wasn’t quite old enough to believe in cooties; instead, she had questions. Lots of questions. Questions Ralph was not prepared to answer.

So, finally, the time had come for him to swallow his discomfort and pull Felix aside to have the most awkward conversation of his life.

“Before I say anything, I just wanna tell you that I am really happy for you,” he began. “You and Calhoun seem very happy together.”

“Thanks, Ralph,” Felix replied, his blush deepening at the mention of his lady. “I’m just crazy about her.”

Given the way the handyman was visibly melting before him, Ralph was beginning to doubt that this was going to be a productive conversation.

“That’s great. I love that for you, really,” Ralph said. “But that’s sort of what I need to talk to you about.”

Felix nodded, brow creasing slightly with concern.

“Look, it’s great that you and Calhoun like each other so much and that you’re both comfortable showing it,” he continued, wincing as he transitioned to his true concern, “but the PDA has gotten to be a bit much.”

The handyman seemed confused. Ralph rubbed the back of his neck in discomfort as he realized he would need to elaborate.

“I don’t want to tell you what to do or anything, but do you think you could just try to keep it PG when you leave the house?” he continued, unable to look his friend in the eyes as he spoke. “It’s a little uncomfortable when we all hang out together.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I—what do you mean, ‘what do I mean?’” Ralph asked incredulously. “Are you really telling me you haven’t noticed?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Felix answered. He seemed sincere, which only frustrated his friend further. “Sure, we hold hands and kiss, but I don’t think that’s excessive.”

“You’re right, that’s not excessive,” Ralph replied, “but you guys can’t seem to leave it at just one kiss. It feels like every time I turn around you two are making out.”

“That’s not true,” Felix said adamantly. “We never do anything like that in public.”

Ralph raised an eyebrow, his face otherwise expressionless.

“You do realize that sneaking over to a secluded corner doesn’t magically mean you’re not in public, right? People can still see you.”

Felix’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. All the times he and Tamora had snuck off during a group outing flashed before his eyes, bringing with them a new understanding of Ralph’s plight. Suddenly, he had a hard time maintaining eye contact with his companion.

“I didn’t realize anyone saw us,” he muttered.

“Vanellope saw you guys,” Ralph said. Felix gasped in horror. “Now she’s asking me all kinds of questions I didn’t think I was gonna have to answer for a couple more years.”

“Oh, Ralph, I’m so sorry.”

“Look, I really am happy for you. I mean that,” Ralph said. “But just do me a favor and keep that stuff at home. Unless you’d like to explain your behavior to Vanellope.”

“Of course,” Felix replied with a gulp, fearful of the prospect of teaching Vanellope about the birds and the bees. “And I really am sorry. I’ve just been so excited, I guess I haven’t been paying attention to my surroundings.”

“It’s okay,” Ralph said, glad to move past the awkwardness. “I really am glad to see you so happy. I’d just like to see a little bit less of it.”

The pair chuckled.

“Don’t worry, brother,” Felix replied. “I’ll talk to Tammy and we’ll be more mindful moving forward.”

Internally, Ralph heaved a sigh of relief that he didn’t have to have this conversation with Calhoun. It was awkward enough with Felix, and he had somehow managed to attract the most intimidating woman in town. Trying to tell her to stop being so lovey-dovey with her boyfriend may well have ended in a black eye.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, she appeared, walking up behind Felix and placing a hand on his shoulder. A smile split his cheeks as he turned to look at her, and though Ralph rolled his eyes, he couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Tamora leaned down to whisper something in Felix’s ear, his eyes widening and his blush darkening as she spoke. Straightening back up to her full height, she acknowledged Ralph with a nod before moving to leave the pair alone again. Felix was rooted to the spot as she turned and locked eyes with him, running her fingertips across his shoulders as she sauntered away from them.

Only once she was out of arm’s reach did she turn away, and Ralph saw the slight tremor in Felix’s body as he tried to suppress a shiver. It figured that as soon as he managed to dispel the awkwardness between himself and Felix, Tamora showed up to put it right back in place. He let out a low whistle, breaking his friend out of his trance.

“So, uh… is everything good with Calhoun, or…?”

Felix paused to clear his throat before responding.

“Just peachy,” he answered. He had a hard time maintaining eye contact with Ralph as Tamora’s words reverberated in his mind. “She just, um… wanted to discuss our plans for this evening.”

Judging by the deep flush on his companion’s cheeks and the way his eyes kept flitting to the side in the direction his girlfriend had just gone, Ralph had a pretty good idea what those “plans” entailed, and he certainly didn’t want to know the details. He had to give Felix credit for trying so hard to maintain his composure and finish their conversation instead of dropping everything to follow after her.

“Well, that was really all I wanted to talk to you about,” Ralph said. “I’m sure you probably wanna go catch up with Calhoun.”

The offer was tempting, but Felix held back. He didn’t want to exemplify the very behavior they had just discussed.

“No,” he replied. “You’re right, I haven’t been a very attentive friend recently. Let’s finish our conversation.”

Ralph made a small noise of agreement and the pair fell into silence. It was clear that it was taking every shred of self-restraint in Felix’s body to remain seated across from Ralph—he couldn’t seem to get comfortable, readjusting his sitting position multiple times and chuckling nervously when it seemed his friend had caught on. Finally, he crossed his legs and arms as though somehow he could hold himself together mentally as long as he was holding himself physically. Ralph shook his head in amusement.

“It’s really killing you, isn’t it?”

“…Maybe a little.”

Nodding his head, Ralph resigned himself to the fact that he had done all he could to talk some sense into his friend today. Sweet mother hubbard, he hoped it was enough.

“Alright then,” he said, sweeping his arm out in the direction Calhoun had gone. “Go ahead.”

Felix clambered out of his seat more quickly than Ralph had ever seen him move. As he shot off after his lady, he shouted a quick “Thanks, Ralph!” over his shoulder. Before his friend was out of earshot, he shared a final parting message:

“Just get a room this time, please.”